(thanks to my friend and teacher, kendall, for inspiring this post)
the holidays are upon us. now's the time when the stores and the radio are filling your head with the pop sounds of christmas tunes, the scarves and scullies are coming out of the closets, and those of us with tight budgets begin to feel a creeping sense of dread. whatever happened to that holiday magic? it's only in our adulthood that we realize that someone had to have a tenuous relationship with a bank and/or credit card company to make those magical wish lists manifest on christmas morning.
it's also time for thanksgiving, and alternately, my birthday. thanksgiving is the only holiday i truly look forward to. not only was i born on that delicious fall day, but it remains the only holiday (to my knowledge) that is all about the gathering. no ideologies, no presents, just food, friends and family. and hopefully, fun.
this is my last year as a single woman. after february, i will be a mother, and though i am already what i consider to be a wife and partner, it is with the birth of my son that i will be a truly committed and fully immersed new individual. with the birth of my new self, and my husband's, we are learning quite a lot about quality over quantity. we are both fortunate to have flexible schedules, some of which is conducive to working at home. we hope to be spending a lot of artful, quality time with our little boy, loving every moment of watching him grow.
and, with the birth of a first baby, there is the customary baby shower, and mounds of free (and often excessive) advice. we took on the dubious task of planning our own event, and so far, no one has judged us for it- at least not to our faces. basically, with john's family a minimum of 10 hours north of us, and my own family and myself as different as we could possibly be, we decided, with a little help from some lovely friends, to open our home up to any and all who would be sharing their energies with us now and into the future. many of our friends are artists and yogis, and all share our core values of quality time, never wasting an ounce of precious energy on any pursuit that isn't conducive to loving. we thought that since we wanted to celebrate our love, our transforming home, and our budding family with so many different kinds of people, that it would be a good idea to host a party, and should anyone want to shower us with gifts, we would gladly and gratefully accept.
but what we want more than presents is presence. there hasn't been a time in the last 3 years, that i have regretted spending time with the people that i love. i've missed concerts, parties, one-of-a-kind events, and even meals just talking with people who enrich and inspire me. it is this gift, this kind of sharing, that i want our son to know more than any thing he can touch with his hands or buy with his money. to know that kindness and understanding are the norm, that listening is crucial and nourishing, and that he can do anything he wants with his body and mind, as long as he consciously and judiciously feeds his soul.
we're looking forward to celebrating our new adventure with our friends and family. we sincerely hope everyone will bring with them the most thoughtful of gifts- presence.
love to all.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
letting go
(be mindful what you wish for)
tomorrow, i have to say goodbye. our old family dog is leaving our home, and going back to a place where she belongs. i'm sad to admit the number of times that i wished this very situation would present itself. having had two dogs of my own, with their own routines and personalities suited very nicely with mine, the untimely and inconvenient addition of this old hound became a burden very quickly. yes, i loved her. it's just that, well, she wasn't mine, she was someone else's responsibility, and she had been dropped unceremoniously into my lap, with what i felt to be half-hearted gratitude from the humans who had left her there. needless to say, i've enjoyed quite a bit of smugness as i moaned and yelled about who did what to me, and how irresponsible said parties were, how they only cared about themselves. and now i am left with a regretful sadness.
she was a scared old thing when i brought her into my home last year. not unlike the first night i met her, 13 years ago. she was just a tiny pup then, all paws and ears. my brother had insisted he would take care of her, and my dad suspected that he would be the one to end up taking care of her. as they both lay sleeping in their respective rooms, in their warm beds, with their doors shut, i slept on my bed, the cold living room couch. my clothes were piled up in bags and boxes in the kitchen, not too far from the cardboard box housing this crying little pup. perhaps she had been taken from her mother too early, or perhaps she was just scared to be in a new place with no one near her. she cried for hours. i got up many times to pet her, and this seemed to calm her. but as soon as i'd walk away, back into that chilly living room, she'd start again. the sound was heartbreaking. finally, not knowing what else to do, i went in and got her out of her box, and brought her to sleep with me, on my chest, right over my heart. i like to think it was the feeling of my heart beating and the warmth of my body that soothed her to instant rest. i'll never forget that night.
months passed, and just as he'd suspected, dad became the pup's primary caregiver. my brother was fully 17, and had no time or interest in the patient pursuit of training a puppy. my dad built her a pen outdoors; he was very adamant that she was to be an outside dog. he trained her, and we gave her a name- tangia. we'd met a dog with that name years ago, and we'd always liked it. she was well-suited to it, and soon became very happy in her new home.
i'll never forget her little bunny hops. she was twice as long as she was tall, and her ears came dangerously and adorably close to dragging the ground. her big puppy paws where as white as her chest, like snow, and she fell fully into them as she pounced. once i remember bringing her in on my lap on a cold night, my body covered with an oversized quilt, and she hopped over the folds and played right there on the landscape of my outstretched legs. i remember the night dad was working out of town, and i got to sleep in his bed; i brought her in to sleep with me, and awoke to find her stretched out over the top of my head, keeping us both warm.
and then there was the day we heard a strange thumping on the side of the house. it was spring, and tangia was growing into nearly her full-grown size. the grass was green outside, and as we peeked out to where the sound was coming from, we got quite a funny sight: tangia was backing as far up against the back of her pen- it was attached to the house- raising her rear end high up into the blue air, and romping as fast as she could toward the house, where she would bounce her front body up and off of the wall. she continued this for nearly half an hour, all by herself.
of course, life's paths has it's twists and turns. i moved out that summer, and within a year, my dad had a live-in girlfriend. they got married another year later, and within a few years, they were also moving. they took tangia with them. she began to travel a lot with my dad when he would go on long trips. she loved it. she breathed mountain air, sniffed new places and people, and got to be with my dad one-on-one, full time. she was happy.
unfortunately, things began to unravel within a few more years. my grandfather passed, and dad and his wife and tangia moved in with my grandmother. by this time, dad had softened a bit, and not only was tangia allowed into the house, but she was even sleeping in the bed. all of that changed when they moved to grandma's; she did not care for dogs, especially shedding ones. so tangia stayed outside. but even then, she seemed happy. there was plenty of grass to roll in, and a perfect balance of sunny spots and shady spots. she didn't seem to mind being outside by herself, and my dad spent a lot of time with her. when winter came, she slept in the shed, and dad rigged up a few spot lights on her so that she would stay nice and warm.
still, the unraveling continued. the demands of caring for a stubborn and grieving old woman began to strain dad's marriage. both mother and wife became manipulative, and began to pull the man in the middle in opposite directions. before any of us knew what was happening, dad was drinking and popping pills again, and was on a downward spiral. a divorce ensued, and dad took off to texas to join my brother and to begin a new life, and tangia went with him. a year later, dad had still not found regular work, and was drinking himself to death. my brother left to clear his head and get some much needed relief, and dad dropped farther down the rabbit hole. not even able to care for himself, his loyal companion suffered. they both lost weight, and by the time my brother and i could drive to texas to help, they were both filthy and scared.
it was a long, sad, but relieving weekend. we made a whirlwind round trip, and had almost no sleep for 4 days. tangia was a trooper; she has been so happy to see us, and she traveled beautifully. i guess she'd been used to it. we finally made it back home, and dad had to check himself into a treatment facility for an undetermined amount of time. my brother claimed to have no way to care for the dog. so she was left with me.
this responsibility proved to be more than i'd bargained for. barely affording to feed my own dogs, i now had to feed a third. not to mention, my roommate- also my landlord- was not happy with this situation, especially after tangia began having accidents inside and nearly bit him when he scolded her. the stress was weighing on me. i tried taking her for walks, but after 12 years of going when and where she wanted, this task proved nearly impossible.
within 6 months, i was in a committed relationship and co-habitating with my boyfriend. he kindly took in all 3 dogs, though he had a declawed cat who had never even seen a dog. it wasn't an ideal situation. tangia was 12 now, and had been through a lot in the last year. she constantly got into trouble at our new home, having an accident almost nightly, and getting up onto the table and eating whole loaves of bread when no one was looking. she was making us crazy. my sweet and giving partner built first a gate on the back porch for the dogs, and then put up an 8-foot fence along the back yard so that they could run around all they wanted. we brought them all in at night, but still, tangia couldn't hold it. a friend suggested we kennel her. we did, and for 3 weeks it worked. then one night, just as we were falling asleep, she began to bark. and bark. and bark. finally, so mad i could scream, i put her outside. and outside she stayed.
she's been outside full-time for months now. she gives me the big brown sad eyes everytime i bring in the other dogs (they'll bark all night if i don't), and it breaks my heart a little each time. we've been working on plans for cleaning up the backyard, so that tangia can roll in grass instead of dirt. but, it seems that today, our prayers have been bittersweetly answered: my grandmother would like to take her, so that she has a guard dog; she is in her 80's and living alone.
for the last year, i've cursed my dad and brother for not helping in any way with this stubborn dog. i've yelled at her, punished her, and neglected her, all because she had become my unwilling burden. we'd be so much happier, i'd think, if we just found her a better home. and now, a better home is presenting itself, and i feel a deep sense of regret for not taking better care of her, for letting my impatience get the best of me, for not taking more time with her. all of these thoughts are, of course, futile. my wish has been granted, and this move will benefit all involved. but i will miss her terribly, and do wish i had been a better guardian to her.
i often think that our pets come into our lives not only to teach us the patience we know we need but don't want to earn, but also to be sort of practice wards for when we have our own kids. it hurts to know that i didn't always do my best when caring for this special needs animal, and that i may one day find myself in a position to care for a special needs human. and i hope i remember what it's like to look into the eyes of a needy creature and want it to go away, and to remember what the regret of not loving a little more feels like. from this pain, i will grow, a little higher and perhaps ground down a little deeper. i will move on, but i won't forget. i'm grateful for the forgiving nature of a dog.
sad update
tangia escaped twice while living with my grandmother, and nearly blind, she managed to cross 2 highways both times unscathed, and wander 2 miles from home. we brought her back to our home after the 2nd time, and she continued to give us trouble. finally, at the end of my rope (more with my father and brother than the dog), i took her up to my fathers work, and handed her over as unceremoniously as she'd been handed to me. it hurt, especially since my father treated me with such disgust, and john with such disrespect. but we walked away relieved, feeling we had done the correct thing for our family.
my brother later called up and told me dad had found her a home. just gave her to a guy he barely knew in his AA group. a month later, my brother told me she had been put to sleep, after discovering she had heartworms. i suppose the fella wasn't interested in rehabilitating a sad old dog.
my heart is still breaking. she should've died with us. she should've been home. this never should have happened. after 13 years of loyalty, she got the needle from a stranger.
my anger towards my family, and the unending hurt, burns deep. but that is for another post, on another day.
rest in peace, tangia'rine. i miss you, and i am so, so sorry.
tomorrow, i have to say goodbye. our old family dog is leaving our home, and going back to a place where she belongs. i'm sad to admit the number of times that i wished this very situation would present itself. having had two dogs of my own, with their own routines and personalities suited very nicely with mine, the untimely and inconvenient addition of this old hound became a burden very quickly. yes, i loved her. it's just that, well, she wasn't mine, she was someone else's responsibility, and she had been dropped unceremoniously into my lap, with what i felt to be half-hearted gratitude from the humans who had left her there. needless to say, i've enjoyed quite a bit of smugness as i moaned and yelled about who did what to me, and how irresponsible said parties were, how they only cared about themselves. and now i am left with a regretful sadness.
she was a scared old thing when i brought her into my home last year. not unlike the first night i met her, 13 years ago. she was just a tiny pup then, all paws and ears. my brother had insisted he would take care of her, and my dad suspected that he would be the one to end up taking care of her. as they both lay sleeping in their respective rooms, in their warm beds, with their doors shut, i slept on my bed, the cold living room couch. my clothes were piled up in bags and boxes in the kitchen, not too far from the cardboard box housing this crying little pup. perhaps she had been taken from her mother too early, or perhaps she was just scared to be in a new place with no one near her. she cried for hours. i got up many times to pet her, and this seemed to calm her. but as soon as i'd walk away, back into that chilly living room, she'd start again. the sound was heartbreaking. finally, not knowing what else to do, i went in and got her out of her box, and brought her to sleep with me, on my chest, right over my heart. i like to think it was the feeling of my heart beating and the warmth of my body that soothed her to instant rest. i'll never forget that night.
months passed, and just as he'd suspected, dad became the pup's primary caregiver. my brother was fully 17, and had no time or interest in the patient pursuit of training a puppy. my dad built her a pen outdoors; he was very adamant that she was to be an outside dog. he trained her, and we gave her a name- tangia. we'd met a dog with that name years ago, and we'd always liked it. she was well-suited to it, and soon became very happy in her new home.
i'll never forget her little bunny hops. she was twice as long as she was tall, and her ears came dangerously and adorably close to dragging the ground. her big puppy paws where as white as her chest, like snow, and she fell fully into them as she pounced. once i remember bringing her in on my lap on a cold night, my body covered with an oversized quilt, and she hopped over the folds and played right there on the landscape of my outstretched legs. i remember the night dad was working out of town, and i got to sleep in his bed; i brought her in to sleep with me, and awoke to find her stretched out over the top of my head, keeping us both warm.
and then there was the day we heard a strange thumping on the side of the house. it was spring, and tangia was growing into nearly her full-grown size. the grass was green outside, and as we peeked out to where the sound was coming from, we got quite a funny sight: tangia was backing as far up against the back of her pen- it was attached to the house- raising her rear end high up into the blue air, and romping as fast as she could toward the house, where she would bounce her front body up and off of the wall. she continued this for nearly half an hour, all by herself.
of course, life's paths has it's twists and turns. i moved out that summer, and within a year, my dad had a live-in girlfriend. they got married another year later, and within a few years, they were also moving. they took tangia with them. she began to travel a lot with my dad when he would go on long trips. she loved it. she breathed mountain air, sniffed new places and people, and got to be with my dad one-on-one, full time. she was happy.
unfortunately, things began to unravel within a few more years. my grandfather passed, and dad and his wife and tangia moved in with my grandmother. by this time, dad had softened a bit, and not only was tangia allowed into the house, but she was even sleeping in the bed. all of that changed when they moved to grandma's; she did not care for dogs, especially shedding ones. so tangia stayed outside. but even then, she seemed happy. there was plenty of grass to roll in, and a perfect balance of sunny spots and shady spots. she didn't seem to mind being outside by herself, and my dad spent a lot of time with her. when winter came, she slept in the shed, and dad rigged up a few spot lights on her so that she would stay nice and warm.
still, the unraveling continued. the demands of caring for a stubborn and grieving old woman began to strain dad's marriage. both mother and wife became manipulative, and began to pull the man in the middle in opposite directions. before any of us knew what was happening, dad was drinking and popping pills again, and was on a downward spiral. a divorce ensued, and dad took off to texas to join my brother and to begin a new life, and tangia went with him. a year later, dad had still not found regular work, and was drinking himself to death. my brother left to clear his head and get some much needed relief, and dad dropped farther down the rabbit hole. not even able to care for himself, his loyal companion suffered. they both lost weight, and by the time my brother and i could drive to texas to help, they were both filthy and scared.
it was a long, sad, but relieving weekend. we made a whirlwind round trip, and had almost no sleep for 4 days. tangia was a trooper; she has been so happy to see us, and she traveled beautifully. i guess she'd been used to it. we finally made it back home, and dad had to check himself into a treatment facility for an undetermined amount of time. my brother claimed to have no way to care for the dog. so she was left with me.
this responsibility proved to be more than i'd bargained for. barely affording to feed my own dogs, i now had to feed a third. not to mention, my roommate- also my landlord- was not happy with this situation, especially after tangia began having accidents inside and nearly bit him when he scolded her. the stress was weighing on me. i tried taking her for walks, but after 12 years of going when and where she wanted, this task proved nearly impossible.
within 6 months, i was in a committed relationship and co-habitating with my boyfriend. he kindly took in all 3 dogs, though he had a declawed cat who had never even seen a dog. it wasn't an ideal situation. tangia was 12 now, and had been through a lot in the last year. she constantly got into trouble at our new home, having an accident almost nightly, and getting up onto the table and eating whole loaves of bread when no one was looking. she was making us crazy. my sweet and giving partner built first a gate on the back porch for the dogs, and then put up an 8-foot fence along the back yard so that they could run around all they wanted. we brought them all in at night, but still, tangia couldn't hold it. a friend suggested we kennel her. we did, and for 3 weeks it worked. then one night, just as we were falling asleep, she began to bark. and bark. and bark. finally, so mad i could scream, i put her outside. and outside she stayed.
she's been outside full-time for months now. she gives me the big brown sad eyes everytime i bring in the other dogs (they'll bark all night if i don't), and it breaks my heart a little each time. we've been working on plans for cleaning up the backyard, so that tangia can roll in grass instead of dirt. but, it seems that today, our prayers have been bittersweetly answered: my grandmother would like to take her, so that she has a guard dog; she is in her 80's and living alone.
for the last year, i've cursed my dad and brother for not helping in any way with this stubborn dog. i've yelled at her, punished her, and neglected her, all because she had become my unwilling burden. we'd be so much happier, i'd think, if we just found her a better home. and now, a better home is presenting itself, and i feel a deep sense of regret for not taking better care of her, for letting my impatience get the best of me, for not taking more time with her. all of these thoughts are, of course, futile. my wish has been granted, and this move will benefit all involved. but i will miss her terribly, and do wish i had been a better guardian to her.
i often think that our pets come into our lives not only to teach us the patience we know we need but don't want to earn, but also to be sort of practice wards for when we have our own kids. it hurts to know that i didn't always do my best when caring for this special needs animal, and that i may one day find myself in a position to care for a special needs human. and i hope i remember what it's like to look into the eyes of a needy creature and want it to go away, and to remember what the regret of not loving a little more feels like. from this pain, i will grow, a little higher and perhaps ground down a little deeper. i will move on, but i won't forget. i'm grateful for the forgiving nature of a dog.
sad update
tangia escaped twice while living with my grandmother, and nearly blind, she managed to cross 2 highways both times unscathed, and wander 2 miles from home. we brought her back to our home after the 2nd time, and she continued to give us trouble. finally, at the end of my rope (more with my father and brother than the dog), i took her up to my fathers work, and handed her over as unceremoniously as she'd been handed to me. it hurt, especially since my father treated me with such disgust, and john with such disrespect. but we walked away relieved, feeling we had done the correct thing for our family.
my brother later called up and told me dad had found her a home. just gave her to a guy he barely knew in his AA group. a month later, my brother told me she had been put to sleep, after discovering she had heartworms. i suppose the fella wasn't interested in rehabilitating a sad old dog.
my heart is still breaking. she should've died with us. she should've been home. this never should have happened. after 13 years of loyalty, she got the needle from a stranger.
my anger towards my family, and the unending hurt, burns deep. but that is for another post, on another day.
rest in peace, tangia'rine. i miss you, and i am so, so sorry.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
humm
it's been a ho-humm kind of week. my "normal" energy levels (not typically so high in the first place) managed to drop to a bare minimum, and i have spent the majority of this week in a horizontal position. a weekend of housesitting approaching, i was looking forward to my quiet little retreat to my home away from home, where i could lie down and rest, assured there would be no one to call and nowhere to go.
ha. well, to say the least, that scenario did not play out. instead i spent more time driving than eating, went from one side of my town and back again at least four times, lost and found keys, lost and found money, ate too much candy and had to settle for a late night diner dinner. humm. somewhere in there, though, i managed to see old friends whom i adore, go trick or treating with a chubby butterfly, a spaceman, a mystery-solving hound and a diva witch, go on two surprise (and superb) boat rides, reconnect with family, and get a good night's sleep. humm. life is truly good.
it's amazing to me what life gives to me when i've busily made a well-intended plan. it never seems to be what i'd give myself, yet it's always better, and exactly always what i need. humm. the present is indeed a gift.
humm.
ha. well, to say the least, that scenario did not play out. instead i spent more time driving than eating, went from one side of my town and back again at least four times, lost and found keys, lost and found money, ate too much candy and had to settle for a late night diner dinner. humm. somewhere in there, though, i managed to see old friends whom i adore, go trick or treating with a chubby butterfly, a spaceman, a mystery-solving hound and a diva witch, go on two surprise (and superb) boat rides, reconnect with family, and get a good night's sleep. humm. life is truly good.
it's amazing to me what life gives to me when i've busily made a well-intended plan. it never seems to be what i'd give myself, yet it's always better, and exactly always what i need. humm. the present is indeed a gift.
humm.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
just for today
The following is from Al-Anon Family Groups:
today is the beginning of today. today is a day of acceptance. today begins a new thought process, new ideas, new motivations. today is sunny and sultry.
today, i want to stay on my couch. today, my hormones are demanding i feel sad and low, though my heart and mind gently remind me that i am most happy. today, i watch my belly poke out from under my shirt, and i breathe the same air as my dogs as they lie at my feet. today, i write a senseless blog about nothing as my diligent fiance works on actual work next to me, reserving judgment and being love.
today, i am one lucky gal.
"Just for today: I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today: I will be happy. This
assume to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
*Most folks are as happy as they make up their
minds to be.*
assume to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
*Most folks are as happy as they make up their
minds to be.*
Just for today: I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will
Take my *luck* as it comes, and fit myself into it
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will
Take my *luck* as it comes, and fit myself into it
Just for today:I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort.
Thought and concentration.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort.
Thought and concentration.
Just for today: I will exercise my soul
in three ways: it will do somebody a good turn
and not get found out; if anybody know of it, it
will not count. I will do at least two things I
don't want to do-- just for exercise. I will
not show anyone that my feelings are hurt: they may
be hurt but today I will not show it.
in three ways: it will do somebody a good turn
and not get found out; if anybody know of it, it
will not count. I will do at least two things I
don't want to do-- just for exercise. I will
not show anyone that my feelings are hurt: they may
be hurt but today I will not show it.
Just for today: I will be agreeable. I will
look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice
low,be courteous,criticize not one bit. I won't find
fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate
anybody else but myself.
look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice
low,be courteous,criticize not one bit. I won't find
fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate
anybody else but myself.
Just for today: I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: Hurry and Indecision's.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: Hurry and Indecision's.
Just for today: I will have a quiet half
hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
Just for today: I will be un-afraid.
Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what
is beautiful,and to believe that as I give to the
world, so the world will give back to me."
Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what
is beautiful,and to believe that as I give to the
world, so the world will give back to me."
today is the beginning of today. today is a day of acceptance. today begins a new thought process, new ideas, new motivations. today is sunny and sultry.
today, i want to stay on my couch. today, my hormones are demanding i feel sad and low, though my heart and mind gently remind me that i am most happy. today, i watch my belly poke out from under my shirt, and i breathe the same air as my dogs as they lie at my feet. today, i write a senseless blog about nothing as my diligent fiance works on actual work next to me, reserving judgment and being love.
today, i am one lucky gal.
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