(love is reborn.)
january 30th, 2011. i am due in two days. i awaken early on sunday morning, around 5 am. actually, i had been awake for a little while, my very pregnant body heavy and uncomfortable. i make my usual bathroom trip only to discover a pinkish fluid. did my water just break?
jump ahead 12 hours. i am home. john and i had gone to the birth center, thinking i was in labor. i wasn't. i was leaking fluid, but nothing was happening. the mild contractions i had been having that morning had stopped. i tried to rest.
11:45pm. an unusually early night for us. we usually head to bed after midnight, around 1:30. we were tired from all of the excitement earlier. thinking i was in labor, we had called our labor support friends. dogs were carried to a friend's house, bags packed into the car, only to find it wasn't happening. at least not yet.
shortly after removing my contacts and brushing my teeth, i have a contraction. whoa. this wasn't the mild kind from earlier that day. this one pushed me, pulled me down into a standing half-bend over my bed. i swayed my hips and moaned. i rode the sensation, and when it was over, i stood and breathed. it was happening.
john began to time each contraction. we sat up in our bedroom, him on the bed, me standing and swaying. our midwives were correct to describe them as waves. they rose gently but firmly, and i moaned softly and swayed into the intensity of the sensation. they were coming closer now, stronger. i called the midwife and she suggested i rest in a warm bath for a while. i did, and john continued to time. before we knew it, it was time to go.
i had three contractions on the way, in the backseat. it was around 3am, and the streets were empty. we arrived quickly, a gentle mist falling upon us as i had another contraction getting out of the car. i swayed, moaned. we could hear a baby crying as we walked into the birth center. someone had just given birth.
we spent some time on the monitor, listening to the baby's heart rate. he and i together remained calm, steady. with each contraction, i bent over halfway and rocked my hips. i was determined to open, not to fight it. i would not be afraid.
my dear friend melinda arrived around 3:30. she joined us in the exam room as we waited and monitored. i couldn't get enough water. i ate a little, but i really wasn't hungry. after what felt like nearly an hour, our midwife, jill, came in and took me back to the birthing room.
i squatted into each contraction, my hands in prayer at my forehead. i took a deep goddess pose, and envisioned my hips spreading wide. i moaned through the feeling, i rocked my hips. jill came back in and administered a mild sedative to help me to rest- nubain, i later found out. i lay down with john behind me, and in a moment, i was asleep.
i suspect i slept an hour or two before i awoke in the middle of a contraction. i felt immense pressure, and the urge to push was strong. still, i knew it wasn't time. i grabbed the leg of my yoga pants and lifted my leg with my arm, to allow the contraction to pass. jill heard me moaning and came in to check on my progress. she wanted me to let my leg down, to rest, but i assured her that this brought relief from the pressure. she left me alone, and left the room.
i am not sure when i awoke, only that i was on my knees draped over a yoga ball on the bed. i felt a gentle hand rubbing my lower back. i soon realized it was melinda- she had napped on a couch in the office. john was beside me, and the lights were on, low. i rocked with each contraction, i sang out my birth song. i resisted the urge to push time and again. i was opening, wide.
jill came in to check me. i was fully dilated.
melinda helped me to the bathroom. i had a contraction over a small shelf in front of the toilet. i sang, i cried. i was so tired. but i knew the work was only beginning. i asked jill if i could get into the tub now. mercifully, she said yes.
i don't remember my water breaking. i am guessing it was a slow leak. as i waited for the tub to fill, melinda helped me out of my clothes while john got into his swim trunks. he got onto the seat of the large corner tub, and melinda and jill helped me in.
the warm, bubbling water felt so soothing. i swam around, allowing the contractions to come, willing the baby to come. imke had arrived, and michelle shortly after. i could see the day breaking through the blinds. i barely opened my eyes; i was drifting in labor land, my mind fully in my body and yet somehow out of it. i could feel john's loving hands supporting me, his sweet words soothing me. there was a shift change, and nurse heidi left and nurses katie and jill came in. the labor team was fully in place.
midwife jill suggested i get positioned between john's knees and let him support me while i braced my feet against the side of the pool. i began to push. in between each contraction, i drifted away, the people and things around me becoming a dream, a blur. and then i awakened again, fully into the pushing, the pressure. jill held up a mirror, and for the first time, the reality of what was happening became firm as wood. i could see the slightest sliver of my baby's head, his hair distinctly different from my own. i wanted it, now, more than ever.
i pushed for some time. i only opened a very tiny bit. after a few more pushes, jill suggested i get out and try to empty my bladder. i tried, but only a little bit came. with melinda's help, i got back into the bed and onto the yoga ball. john changed into dry jeans. my knees on the bed, and my upper torso draped over the ball, i rocked and breathed and pushed. i was holding the hand of john on my left, melinda on my right. i had an awkward hold on her, and with the contraction squeezed her delicate hand painfully. she switched off with michelle for a bit. jill, seeing little progress, suggested a catheter. i was flipped over onto my back. she waited until the contraction was over before efficiently emptying my bladder. it was full. now, the labor began to flow.
she instructed me to push out and up. i did. john on my right, melinda on my left, each holding a leg. michelle held a mirror. and as i pushed, i watched in amazement as my son's head began to emerge.
the pressure was overwhelming, and the ring of fire burned, burned, burned. but seeing this, the lavender head of my little son, slipping from my body, erased all pain. there was no fear. as soon as i saw the first trace of his ears, he was out, his slippery purple body in the gloved hands of my midwife. i remember hearing myself crying, "my baby! my baby!"
jill cleaned him off as my friends stood back and smiled and hugged and cried happy tears. imke floated quietly among us, capturing this captivating experience in her gentle lens. john held my hand, and smiled and smiled, beaming with love and pride. i, meanwhile, was in a delirium, half high, half traumatized, fully amazed and overwhelmed. my darling boy was placed into my jelly arms, his little body crying and slimy. he felt so good. i loved him instantly, couldn't take my eyes off of him. he had my hands, long, long fingers, his head was long and cone-like from his passage into the world. he looked like a tiny alien. and he was completely beautiful, totally perfect.
monday, january 31st, 2011, at 11:16am, rex williford olenyik entered our world. he weighed 6lbs, 4oz, and was 19" long.
looking back, i don't remember the pain. i remember sensations, orgasmic and hard, challenging and fierce. i remember the calm, the feeling that i was totally supported, cared for, safe. i remember the love that kept me focused and free as i labored and allowed my son to make his way into my life. i remember me, and how i came home that day, home to my self, home to creation, to life.
i am so thankful to my midwives- margaret, for her motherly humor and calm reassurance; nancy, for guiding me through fear and into healing; and jill, for transforming my prejudices to trust, and for delivering me to my child. i am thankful to katie, who showed us around the birth center when we were just beginning to bud, and for seeing us off after seeing us through the birth of our family.
i am thankful to my teacher, kendall, for teaching me to breathe through to the other side.
my deepest gratitude to my dear, dear friends, friends who ask for nothing but the truth. michelle, for her strength and humor, and for her yummy food and caring family. imke, for her twinkling eyes and lightness of touch, her great laugh and only the best of hugs, and for giving me a gift i couldn't experience any other way. melinda, for her grace, for her love, for her hands, and for her indestructible heart that beats with the earth's rhythms.
and john, my love, my everything. words can't describe the sounds that love makes, the silent echoes from deep within my loving heart. you, my love, are always with me, always have been. thank you for seeing in me that which i cannot. you have brought me home to love.
